Diary entries

Voices came to life right in my empty room, which had not been visited by anyone for a long time. I pulled the covers around me abruptly; I couldn’t warm myself one little bit after sunny Mexico and it was a bit frightening to be conscious of the person I really was.

I had managed to escape from the memories of lost feelings, a lost fairytale for some time. But everything came back with double strength in Moscow, accompanied by the fresh force of cool autumn which I met in complete solitude. And only one thing made me happy; that I was no longer a falling leaf buffeted about by the wind but I was supported by the wind of my promises and oaths, which, if I had any worth, I would fulfill. I would be able to stop living for others at last and start living for myself.

To stop living for the sweet vampires who loved me so much, who were ready to drink me to the very bottom without even leaving a drop of blood for me. And not a trace of sympathy, compassion or gentleness in return.

It would all start with adventures, surprises, sex. Then a cold settling of accounts at the end, greed, jealously, scandals. The tension of a pulled bow string, the arrow pointing right at the heart ready to fly into it at any moment so lightly and easily, as if it were as mundane as washing one’s hands. To tear everything apart and burn all bridges as if we had never known each other. Maybe we hadn’t?

I’m a woman and it’s not easy for me to accept that he’s not there anymore …

“I love you!” So easy to say, so difficult to fulfill …

***

“People never change!” My mentor Juan liked saying this often, especially when I would run back to my ex in hope that he had changed. “This happens very rarely with those who really work on themselves or after serious crises. But this time there was no way back. And no matter how hard I tried to fix things, he had the last word. It was his decision to split up.

It felt as if I had been given news about a death. My heart shattered into a thousand pieces and was covered with a crust of ice. It felt as if there and then, an apocalypse had taken place inside me, and there was nothing left between us except for huge eyes of emptiness.

I would look emptiness right in the eyes because I had no one else to share my feelings with, and ask her: “Who will be able to melt my heart now? How can I now trust a man and love with my heart and soul?”

I had nearly lost all hope. I felt that I had fallen into an ice age where instead of covering the Earth, the ice had covered the hearts of people.

I even went to the Caribbean, but no tropical country could warm my heart until the Universe gave me a gift – life in my belly.

The more you live with a man, the stronger your connection and attachment to each other. And if people decide to split up, each person feels as if they are tearing away a part of themselves, cutting through the flesh. It’s very painful and unfortunately I had to go through this. After we split up I couldn’t forget him for a long time. He would visit me in my dreams every night the first few months after our split. I hoped that we would at least remain friends because we were connected by many things, not just our relationship, but even this didn’t come to be. I ended up leaving everything connected with him; all our friends, joint projects and business… I left the past in the past.

***

In this kind of situation you might ask yourselves:

“What should I do, how can I take away the pain? How can I accept the split? How can I replenish my energy stocks?”