Usually I slept until midday. But not this time… I jumped out of bed at 8am and flew to meet him, pushed on by the winds of change.

Juan’s cap was almost covering his eyes. When we got closer to each other to say, “Hello!” he slightly raised the peak of his cap. I took the opportunity to dive under it with my glance.

That second my eyes were pierced by the glitter of black diamond – a clear gaze that had the power to turn everything into ashes. It was impossible to hide from him. Juan’s eyes bored holes through one’s body leaving no place for lies or self-deceit. Our friendship had begun.

My former boyfriend and I invited Juan to stay at our place while he was in Moscow. He complied amicably. The time we spent with him was unforgettable; intensive, complete and filled with a child-like happiness!

But the main thing was that during the 2 weeks that he lived with us he magically managed to change my relationship to development as a couple, pregnancy, motherhood and the concept of ‘woman’.

One day Juan called me over to his room and asked what turned out to be a tricky question: ‘”Do you want a child?” His magic eyes blazed up once again with piercing sparks. My eyes became shifty, my mouth turned to stone, my neck and shoulders stiffened up. I felt for the first time that I couldn’t give the answer I always gave in such cases.

Juan looked into my centre and nodded his head: “Yes, you want it…I can see you”. This was a revelation. I panicked because I couldn’t struggle any longer and lie to myself and pretend that everything was alright.

That moment was the start of my return to myself, my heart and what I really want in this life.

Choosing a man

Women, how easily seduced we are by men who hide their indecisiveness and irresponsibility behind quotes from ‘clever’ books. We are led down the garden path by their stories, which rob us of our feminine happiness, power, and make us suffer day in day out and busy ourselves with exhausting soul searching.

My ex-boyfriend put it into my head that children are an unnecessary burden, that we have other, ‘higher’ aims in life and that children are the lot of ‘normal’ people. These kind of men want to take all a woman’s maternal energy and are not prepared to share it with anyone else.

***

I asked myself whether I was happy with this person. Whether I was happy, not anyone else happy for me! I realized that during our 3 years together I was in a constant state of war and had depleted my resources. I’d got much thinner, my face had become drawn and my breasts had got smaller as if they were hiding in my chest. There are men who smoke their woman like a cigarette. They dry her out, pumping out all her resources. And when the cigarette finishes they just put out the butt in the ash tray. We women are resilient and recover as soon as some extra energy appears. But with such a man it becomes much more difficult to keep afloat when he is trying to drown you all the time.

There are other men who make a lot of effort and care for their woman like for a wonderful flower. And then she blossoms and her breast-buds bloom and give out an aroma that brings joy to the gardener. More about this in A Woman’s breast section.

Woman is the earth and man is the seeds which he sows on her. What he fills her with will flourish. The qualities that he puts into her will be those that define her. What seeds do you want to sow in your ‘earth’? What do you want to grow in her?

Respect between partners

Respect is the stumbling block in all relationships. It is impossible to create harmonious projects without it, never mind creating a baby.