But if the manipulation is presented not as a display of greatness, but as sudden feelings from meeting someone, especially against the backdrop of loneliness and ouroboric anguish of the same infantile subject, the bait can be easily taken. Both parties may be drawn into a fascinating game of "dream come true," likely mutual, with an obvious sad outcome of mutual claims, as happened in my life. Many years later, after my divorce, I realized that this was the pattern I followed when I entered into marriage. I placed hopes for my future well-being on my husband, which he simply could not fulfill due to his personality traits, and then blamed him when things did not work out as planned.

In hindsight, it was clear from the beginning that this man would not be able to give me what I wanted from him; he simply did not have the capacity to realize my dreams. To be fair, my husband-to-be at that time also saw me as a "dream fulfillment person," which explains the sudden burst of love and hasty marriage. We both played this game with each other and paid for it with fifteen years of a painful marriage.

Such unconscious longing and loneliness may be the cause of eating disorders (ED), where eating helps to drown out not only hunger but also anguish (in my case, from loneliness). I think ED is a continuous loop in the ouroboric structure of auto- sado-maso: anguish → overeating → auto-aggression from being overweight → starvation → hunger → anguish.

At night, I can satisfy hunger (I started leaving a snack for myself on the nightstand next to my bed) – anguish is controlled. During the day, I can be aware of anguish – overeating is controlled. It is important to satisfy hunger quickly as it arises and not to eat when it is not there. It is necessary to restore the natural physiological regulation of eating behavior, without the impurity of psychological compulsions.

This anguish I have described is characteristic of every ouroboric personality; it is related to the unattainability of illusory dreams and is expressed in varying degrees – some stronger, some weaker. Therefore, people, in an attempt to drown out this feeling, are in constant communication or work. Stopping this activity can exacerbate the anguish, leading to an inability to be alone, without a date, or on one's own. I believe I suffered from the most severe form of this anguish, as it likely first visited me immediately after birth, influencing the formation of all subsequent psychological reactions. This feeling was solidified after repeated, albeit unintentional, rejection by my mother, laying the foundation for a relentless search for a partner who would give me the kind of love that doesn't exist between adults.

I can't and don't want to blame my mom for not loving me – the situation at the birth center had nothing to do with her; it was the system. Sending me to my grandmother was not a desire to get rid of me. From my mother's point of view, nothing special happened; she took me to her mother because her academic and maternity leave was over, and she had to return to school. The fact that I was without my mother and her breast, taken to people unfamiliar to me at the time – my own grandparents – did not embarrass anyone; it was common practice. In those days, maternity leave was short, and children were often given to nurseries or relatives because everyone had to work. My father's parents, with whom the young family lived, also worked and could not take care of me.

I ended up not in a five-day nursery but with loving people, and my mom visited as often as she could. The grandmother I spent my childhood with was a wonderful woman. However, she had a big house, a piglet, a cow, a vegetable garden, and she sewed to order, so she physically could not give me as much attention as I needed. There was nothing supernaturally traumatic about my childhood. Nevertheless, what there was, was enough to keep my psyche frozen in an infantile ouroboric structure with all its complexities.