Little Johnny: I don’t think I deserve a zero on this test.
Teacher: I agree, but it’s the lowest mark I can give you.
An Irishman, by the name of O’Mally proposed to his girl on St. Patrick’s Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young girl showed it to her father, a jeweller. He took one look at it and saw it wasn’t real.
The young girl returned it to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.
«It was in honor of St. Patrick’s Day,» he smiled. «I gave you a sham rock.[58]»
A very well known doctor and extremely well known lawyer get into a car accident way out on a country road. The lawyer sustains no injuries[59] from the crash but notices that the doctor is injured. So he runs over to his car and helps the doctor out of the twisted wreckage and offers the doctor a drink out of his flask. The doctor happily accepts the drink and takes a big swig[60] of whatever alcohol was in the bottle. He hands it back to the lawyer who promptly puts it back in his pocket. «You’re not going to have a drink?» asks the doctor. The lawyer replies, «Yes, but I’ll wait till the police leave!»
A woman walks into a bank in London City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000. The bank officer tells her that the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce that’s parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls Royce into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest,[61] which comes to £15.41. The loan officer approaches her and says: «We are very happy to make this transaction.[62] But please tell us, why did you borrow £5,000?» «Well, where else in London City can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen pounds?»
A young man was hired by a supermarket. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, «Your first job will be to sweep out[63] the store.» «But I’m a college graduate,[64]» the young man replied indignantly. «Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,» said the manager. «Here, give me the broom – I’ll show you how.»
An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength[65] he wrote a note, dropped it, and died. The son was so overcome with grief that he didn’t remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note: it can be his father’s will![66] He read it. It said: «You fool – get off[67] my oxygen pipe!!!»
An airline captain was in love with a very pretty new blonde stewardess; the route they were flying had a stay-over